I have loved and I have been loved. I will forever continue to love, and in my quest for understanding I have unloved, detested, even hated. I have wanted to believe in the faith of humanity and the faith of love-- but its answers have broken me. I have been broken for the longest time, and I see this now. As human beings, I believe we can only take so much before our hearts are filled. We fill with experiences, people, passions, reflections, sometimes hate. And we try to keep our hearts locked up in defenses we don’t even realize we have created. Along with English Philosopher John Locke, I believe the human mind is born as a clean slate; as we progress through our lives we take in what we live, what lives around us-- we learn and store in all the experiences- kind of like a buffet line and as the food piles up it creates a significant dish-- that dish being each one of us, in all our particulars, the good, the bad, the everything.
I must confess I can be so heartless sometimes. I find myself pushing away the people I love-- the people that love me. I realize that comes from my mother. I fight over minuscule things; over-analyze every word; and I am so capable of taking it to the lowest level. Sometimes, I feel more hurt than I can control and I get so mean-- so cold sometimes. I fear falling into all the vulnerabilities and spontaneity of love, to think I never experienced the heartbreak. I lied. Mark broke my heart. And each day I try living with that and mending my heart; I know it takes an incredibly strong one to forgive and to honestly love like you’re heart was never broken, but it’s so hard sometimes. Maybe it is even deeper than I could lend my finger toward... My life hasn't been a fairy tale. Maybe I realize now that I have lost hope in love and happiness--and even trying.
My father is working on his third marriage. My mother and stepfather are both divorced previously and it seems they still don’t have it right. My grandparents were divorced. Mark’s parents are divorced. My best friends all seem to have divorcee parents. And everyone else is signing papers, fighting or breaking off engagements. It just seems like nothing around me is working. I don’t see anyone to their happiest capacity. Is it even completely possible to love and live happily ever after anymore?
I fear being alone, being unloved-- being replaced. I’m just so afraid to be left, hurt …and so I push. I feel if I’m preparing for the end, it won’t hurt as much when it actually happens. I fear one day when I least expect it, at my happiest state, someone will leave me. I may never be good enough. So I don’t want to be happy because that happiness means I won‘t be prepared. The love and relationships I've been surrounded by have mostly ended in hurt. I see the tears and hear the anger. I sense the bitterness and feel the disappointment. Love and hurt and hate… it’s all so intertwined. And I’m scared. I have taken in so much around me, regarding love and loss; and I don’t know what it is anymore. Does love exist? Or are we all just settling and nesting for our lives and families?
I know when I look at James, I feel this abundance of happiness and the best emotions. I know I wouldn't be as happy where I am if he wasn't in my life. I feel like I want to smile and laugh at just the thought of his face. I feel like out of everything so chaotic and wild; out of love and pain; out of every cell in my body--he is the one right thing. When I look at him, I feel blessed. I don’t know what else I can say to describe it-- this is thing called love.
A part of me is lost. I can’t be absolutely certain I know what love is anymore. But then maybe I don’t want to search for answers.
“It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days-- but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream so that you have a chance to make something amazing. Grab hold of it.”