The guys you meet—when you’re young*, single & free:

1. Hint-Man
The damn guys that just cannot take a hint. Seriously, have absolutely NO CLUE. They follow you around; they know your entire schedule; they text you hourly...the ones who consistently, without-too-long-a-period-inbetween-communication-methods, make it known they are trying to fuck you. They slide right into your messages & automatically assume YOU want to date them. These guys have OBVIOUSLY never been fishing ... put the bait out there in a timely manner & wait. If she bites, you’ll have her hooked.

To avoid this: don’t always text first. One word responses are generally a red light. As my son says, “mama, when you say maybe, it always means no.” He is absolutely already smoother than most of the guys in the dating scene.

2. Mr. Honesty Policy
Yup. He’s a liar. Probably a cheat. He wants and expects you to be completely open and honest to him, at his beck & call, but fails to mention he’s married with two kids.

3. The Joke
This guy makes everything a joke. Everything is fair game to be poked at and prodded at your expense. It’s all funny. It’s all middle school. It’s all: “I’m never gonna take anything seriously because I don’t want to get hurt like I was before because everyone hurts me in the end and I’ve never learned how to deal with serious or personal feelings... what even are emotions? Can you prove them?” It’s all sarcastic humor, hiding trauma and an emotionally unstable history that he hasn’t been able to deal with or find closure with.

Or he suffers from Aspergers.

4. Prince Charming
....but damn girl, you can’t even get a text back. He’s plaaaaaying you but you think he’s so perfect, that it doesn’t even matter.

Use me, baby, let me love you.

5. FUCKBOY
Obviously, the boy—yes, the youngin’ that lays you a good one & you can text anytime you want to come over. Hell no, this isn’t gonna work. Hell yeah, you’re gonna catch feelings. But guuuurl, it’s not worth it.

Okay, maybe just for tonight....

Now the difference between a FUCKBOY & Prince Charming is the idea of “marriage.” A FUCKBOY is someone you develop feelings for because of the orgasms he’s giving you & you’re experiencing a drug-like high. My friend calls it “dickmatized.” Basically sex addiction. A Prince Charming is someone that alludes you with an idea of “happily ever after.” He plays you when it’s convenient and it’s sooo damn convincing. Basically a sociopath.

6. Honey
“Good morning beautiful.”
“How was your day?”
“Sweet dreams, sleep well.”
“Hope you have a great day!”
“You can get any guy you want...”
“Let me take you out?”
“I can treat you right.”
“Princess.”
“😊😊😊”
“Thinking about you.”
“You’re so pretty.”

....you get it, right? I fucking hate honey.

7. Ghosts
These are the ones from your past. The friends, the hookups, the ex’s—all the ones you’ve had history with. The unfinished business that didn’t play out or work out. Yeah, they’re here to haunt you now.

The term “Ghosts” also work for those dudes who are talking to you, trying to date you, seeing you, fill-in-the-blank with you—but aren’t actually WITH you. Because they’re just shells without souls & you can’t really SEE them. The ones with their exes on their minds or profiles. The ones who cannot see the YOU in front of them. You know what I mean. And it hurts.

8. The Nice Guy
....well, that speaks for itself.

You went out—he’s sweet, but not aggressively. He’s a great catch with a really good job. He’s nice, witty, interesting, respectful, stable... and you just friend-zoned him because “nice guys ALWAYS finish last.” He’s your friend now. You guys send memes to each other. You “hang out.” You broke his heart when you said, “I just think we’d make better friends.” Then he goes & turns into a Ghost. Please see 7 for reference.

9. The one you want to keep.
You give a little. He gives a little. You text first. He texts first. Share time. Share memes. Share substantial conversation. Share laughs. Share a possible future. You meet someone you want to keep & you think he’s just perfect.

Yeah, hope that works out for you. Please see numbers 4 & 5 for reference.

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DISCLAIMER: IN CASE YOU’RE FEELING SENSITIVE & DIDN’T KNOW, THIS IS MEANT FOR HUMOR PURPOSES ONLY.

Reach out! Let me know if I missed someone!
IG 📷: @tuywithme & I’m not perfect, I’m definitely on the list, too!

Sending love—xo, p.