When you go away.

And just like that he was gone.


And my heart aches. Pain demanding it's presence.


The wind began to pick up and more than anything it was too cold for September. Empty winds blowing goodbye breezes against my face and my spirit too burnt for any tears.


Loneliness wasn't a terrible feeling. There is enough to keep me busy. Too much to do and no time to think. Life moves on even through heart break. Whether it be a day, a week, a month or a year. You learn, sometimes you're alone. You entertain yourself. Dinner for one. One six pack. You learn to budget. Order netflix. Read another poem. That's okay. You learn to trust yourself, by yourself, with yourself, be yourself.


Goodbyes are often followed by hellos. New chances, new opportunities, new people...and the people you never had time for. Best friends became new again. Old friends sometimes became strangers--hitting on you through times where comfort is needed. All these things shine in a totally new light. Because it is new again. You are changed forever. You are a new you.


Maybe we loved each other more than we should have. Maybe we drowned in passion and chaos. Maybe we said goodbye before our time. Maybe it just wasn't the right time. Maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway. Maybe if was meant to be. Maybe it will all be okay. Maybe you just fucked up.


I loved you. I will always love you. I begged you to stay. I wanted more than anything for you to not be making a mistake. But I can't tell you how to live your life. And in this, moving forward is the only next step. No more questions, no what ifs, what could'ves, no more pasts passing through my thoughts. Its what now?


Find someone you love so much that no other person will do. Find someone who makes you feel and fly and laugh at the dust specks in the sky. Find someone whose arms feel like home and whose breath fills your lungs. A love deeper and fuller than all the oceans. Find yourself. Find love. Find simplicity. Find your future. Find your life.


You once said: "but darlin' all you need to know--in you my presence lies." But you're not here. You left me long ago. When you made the choice to leave. No one seems to understand every choice we makes ripples waves in our lives and impacts the boats sprinkling and floating peacefully on the lake. Stop rocking the boat. Promises don't mean shit.


Edited:


And now you want me back.


Trying to stitch up pieces of a broken me, saying we can go back and be happier ever after. As if it was ever that easy.


The years pass quicker than ever now. 25 years old and dying everyday. One step nearer, but not closer to the simple life I want. More than late night drinks, all night sex, light reading, blunts to the face, laughing and being nothingness. I need more than being. I want living.


The smell of waffles and coffee in the kitchen, Sunday morning, music dancing and swooning, laughter, light, living, loving. Life.


xo
Paulina Tuy 
10/2014